Category Archives: Thoughts

the road to 300

In high school, I held 10 out of 12 records in two different weight classes (151 and 161) for weight lifting.

My personal records for each lift: deadlift (135), squat (285), bench press (150), hang-clean (135), incline press (100) and push jerks (210).

Fast forward 14 years, and I am back at it. Sometimes we have to give our bodies what they respond to. Mine responds best to heavy lifting. For all of my 20’s I struggled to feel “in shape.” Even though I completed four half marathons, ate healthy and put in countless miles on my bicycle, something was missing. Getting into the swing of my 30’s I have re-introduced weight training, this year specifically – weight lifting.

My personal goals for the end of the 2017 are the following: deadlift (225), squat (300), bench press (155), hang-clean (185), clean and press (150).

I want to show up, every time I put on my lifting belt and give it my best for the hour I have. I want to break all my personal records, for me.

Also posted in Portrait

dive in and swim

“Sometimes a woman is afraid to be without security or without certainty, for even a short time. She has more excuses than dogs have hairs. She must simply dive in and stand not knowing what will happen next. It is the only thing which will retrieve her intuitive nature. Sometimes as a woman is so bound up in being the too-good mother to other adults that they have latched onto her and are not about to let her leave them. In this case, a woman has to kick them off with her hind legs and go on anyway.

In her guts a woman knows there is a deadliness in being the too-sweet self for too long.”

 

Women Who Run With the Wolves (pg 87), by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D.

 

no touchy

Personal thoughts about art… “Art school encourages touch as a way of connecting with the piece.  Real world encourages us to not touch and not connect fully with a piece.  ‘Miss, please step back.’ is a phrase I will constantly strive to hear in museums.”

Also posted in Seattle

The Wolf’s Eyelash

If you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.

“Don’t go out in the woods, don’t go out,” they said.

“Why not?  Why should I not go out in the woods tonight?” she asked.

“A big wolf lives there who eats humans such as you.  Don’t go out in the woods, don’t go out.  We mean it.”

Naturally she went out.  She went out in the woods anyway, and of course she met the wolf, just as they had warned her.

“See, we told you,” they crowed.

“This is my life, not a fairy tale, you dolts,” she said.  “I have to go to the woods, and I have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin.”

But the wolf she encountered was in a trap, in a trap this wolf’s leg was in.

“Help me, oh help me! Aieeeee, aieeee, aieeee!” cried the wolf.  “Help me, oh help me!” he cried, “and I shall reward you justly.”   For this is the way of wolves in tales of this kind.

“How do I know you won’t harm me?” she asked–it was her job to ask questions.  “How do I know you will not kill me and leave me lying in my bones?”

“Wrong question,” said this wolf.  “You’ll just have to take my word for it.” And the wolf began to cry and wail once again and more.

“Oh, aieee! Aieeee! Aieeee!

There’s only one question

worthy asking fair maiden,

wooooooooor

aieeeee th’

soooooooool?”

“Oh you wolf, I will take a chance.  Alright, here!”  And she sprang the trap and the wolf drew out its paw and this she bound with herbs and grasses.

“Ah, thank you kind maiden, thank you,” sighed the wolf.  And because she had read too many of the wrong kind of tales, she cried, “Go ahead and kill me now, and let us get this over with.”

But no, this did not come to pass.  Instead this wolf put his paw upon her arm.

“I’m a wolf from another time and place,” said he.  And plucking a lash from his eye, he gave it to her and said, “Use this, and be wise.  From now on you will know who is good and not so good; just look through my eyes and you will see clearly.

For letting me live,

I bid you live

in a manner as never before.

Remember, there’s only one question

worthy asking fair maiden,

wooooooooor

aieeeee th’

soooooooool?”

And so she went back to her village,

happy to still have her life.

And this time as they said,

“Just stay here and be my bride,”

or “Do as I tell you,”

or “Say as I want you to say,

and remain as unwritten upon

as the day you came,”

she held up the wolf’s eyelash

and peered through

and saw their motives

as she had not seen them before.

And the next time

the butcher weighed the meat,

she looked through her wolf’s eyelash

and saw that he weighed his thumb too.

And she looked at her suitor

who said “I am so good for you,”

and she saw that her suitor

was so good for exactly nothing.

And in this way and more,

she was saved,

from not all,

but from many

misfortunes.

But more so, in this new seeing, not only did she see the sly and cruel, she began to grow immense in heart, for she looked at each person and weighed them anew through this gift from the wolf she had rescued.

And she saw those who were truly kind

and went near to them,

and found her mate

and stayed all the days of her life,

she discerned the brave

and came close to them,

she apprehended the faithful

and joined with them,

she saw bewilderment under anger

and hastened to soothe it,

she saw love in the eyes of the shy

and reached out to them,

she saw suffering in the stiff-lipped

and courted their laughter,

she saw need in the man with no words

and spoke for him,

she saw faith deep in the woman,

who said she had none,

and rekindled hers from her own.

She saw all things

with her lash of wolf

all things true,

and all things false,

all things turning against life

and all things turning toward life,

all things seen only

through the eyes of that

which weighs the heart with heart,

and not with mind alone.

This is how she learned that it is true what they say, that the wolf is the wisest of all.  If you listen closely, the wolf in its howling is always asking the most important question–not where is the next food, not where is the next fight, not where is the next dance?—

but the most important question

in order to see into and behind,

to weigh the value of all that lives,

wooooooooor

aieeeee th’

soooooooool?”

wooooooooor

aieeeee th’

soooooooool?”

Where is the soul?

Where is the soul?

Go out in the woods, go out.  If you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.

Go out in the woods,

go out.

Go out in the woods,

go out,

Go out in the woods,

go out.

– The Wolf’s Eyelash, by C.P. Estés

Also posted in Nashville

The Breaking Light

A personal favorite song,

It captivates and

gets my attention when I least expect.

 

Progression,

I find myself slowing speaking

“for we are a woven thread, find the strand.”

 

Uncontrollable harmonizing,

“listen to the colors, carry them inside you”

 

Never missing the

line “feel the hollow dream slip away.”

The wave

and overwhelming tug of

background vocals,

“listen to the turning tide.”

 


Watch the shadow lines fade away

Brother you will return

Let your lion heart cleave the waves

Brother you will return

In the breaking light

 

Leave the battlefield, leave her hand

Brother you will return

For we are a woven thread, find the strand

Brother you will return

In the breaking light

 

So listen to the darkness, listen to the patterns

Listen to the breathing sea

Listen to the colors, carry them inside you

They will bring you back to me

In the breaking light

 

Feel the ground beneath sweep and sway

Brother we will return

Feel the hollow dream slip away

Brother we will return

In the breaking light

 

So listen to the darkness, listen to the patterns

Listen to the breathing sea

Listen to the colors, carry them inside you

They will bring you back to me

Listen to the sirens, listen to the heartbeat

Listen to the turning tide

Listen to the murmurs, carry them inside you

‘til we’re on the other side

In the breaking light

In the breaking light

 

 

The Breaking Light

by Vienna Teng featuring Alex Wong

Also posted in Music, Nashville

revisions

When revisiting the question:

Are you moving closer to, or further from the you, you want to be?

I am still not sure I know. I also assume this will be a question that continues to come up in life. Life changes, daily, but deep down we all have an idea of who we want to be.

One thing I know, this question needs action for a proper response. Otherwise, it answers itself and I believe that’s an answer I don’t want to hear.

august 31 part two

The amount of sadness and pain one experiences when someone leaves this Earth,

is a good measure of how well the two people loved each other.

Also posted in Nashville

august 31 part one

That deep hurting sound of shock was the only sound my body could respond with.

The

world

just

stopped

moving.

Also posted in Nashville

10 things I should have already accomplished

Since my first visit to Music City in 2010 and then becoming a resident in 2012, I have kept my “things to do in Nashville” pretty simple. However, I was thinking this evening I should probably get out more in the upcoming year. So, here are 10 things I should have already accomplished in Nashville by now.

 

Take a day and visit the Cheekwood Botanical Garden and Museum of Art

Brave football traffic and see a Titans game

Spend some good money and attend something at the symphony

Get inside the Parthenon and view the Athena Statue

Make the drive to The Hermitage and soak in some history

Get my bluegrass, heal tappin’ on at the Station Inn

Soak up some music knowledge at Studio B

Tour the Johnny Cash Museum without crying

Day drinking with a trip to tour the brewery at Yazoo

Consider going to Fontanel to soar on some ziplines, which sounds absolutely terrifying

Also posted in Nashville

solo

the entanglement of peace and sorrow

for reasons unknown.

 

stripped down to nothing.

in these moments,

I am raw.

only one has

seen me this way.

 

folded tight,

swaying to the rhythm of

promise.

here comes another wave

pushing.

pulling.

giving.

taking.

I simply

have nothing to offer.